Sharon Fitzmaurice

Sharon Fitzmaurice first shared their experience with A Lust For Life, an Irish organization dedicated to reducing the stigma surrounding mental health issues through sharing personal stories. In Ireland, a culture of silence about mental health has led to many not speaking openly about their experiences or seeking help. Like us, they believe sharing stories breaks down the barriers that makes seeking help hard.

Creating a new reality on the other side of abuse, fear, anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts

by Sharon Fitzmaurice

My story is like so many other people’s stories, in that I hid for years in the belief that no one else could possibly understand what I was going through. It was hidden, shameful and it had a grip on my life for so long that I didn’t know any other way to live. I was wearing the mask that other people wanted to see so that they didn’t have to deal with my reality.

My reality was one of abuse, fear, anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts, it was such a big part of my life that I didn’t know how to be any other way. I was trapped in a haze of uncertainty and a belief that there was nothing I could do to change it.

I lived from day to day in fear of what was coming at me next, whether real or believed, I was always just waiting. My nervous system was in constant state of alert and my energy depleted by trying to keep up with the millions of thoughts and feelings that ran through my mind each and every day.

On the outside I showed a mask of ‘happy’, my smile was a defence mechanism I had learned from a very young age to hide the pain that lay behind it. I didn’t want to show anyone my sadness because then they would ask why I was sad, and I was nowhere ready to explain all the many reasons I had to be afraid of sharing my truth.

So when you reach that point, the point where you believe there is no return, the point where all the physical, mental and emotional torment is ready to explode into your reality as it can’t be contained any longer, your mind is on overload, your heart is pounding and your body refuses to work properly, you break down, you let go!

This was my saving grace, after 24 years of holding on so tight to the secrets that I believed if revealed would kill me, were actually killing me slowly day by day. I had put so much effort into hiding my truth that I had given little thought as to how they were actually affecting me on a deeper level. I was slowly disappearing and at times I didn’t even recognise who was looking back at me in the mirror. Where had I gone?!

I had gone to a place deep within my mind and held onto the secrets of the past so that I had something to hold on to, it was all that I owned and I made sure that I had a tight grip on them as I believed I had nothing else to call my own. My past was my only defining identity no matter how much I hid it from the world. I had labelled myself to be a failure and even failed at killing myself, would there be no peace for me in this life?

But then it came, after the darkest night of my life when I was going to throw myself out of a two storey building to end the constant pain that was at this point taking over my every waking minute. I woke up to life. Something within me called out from the deepest part of my soul and asked for help. It was the first time that I had uttered the words “Someone please help me” and it changed everything in that moment. It was like all of my thoughts came flooding in at once, why did you never ask for help, why have you suffered in silence, why have you allowed yourself to feel helpless?

From that very moment, I took little steps each day to help myself become who I wanted to be, I wasn’t sure who that was as I had always defined myself by my career, my relationship, my family, my past, but now it was time to find out who I really wanted to be.

I started to become mindful of the interaction between my thoughts and emotions, I allowed myself to acknowledge each emotion as it arose, to accept that it was there and not to fight it. I didn’t analyse and judge it, I simply just sat with it and made it my friend. I became more aware of the daily thoughts that ran through my mind, most of which were reflections of past beliefs and conditioning.

I decided to make a choice, to stop living in the past and worrying about the future, I was now going to step into the present moment and deal with one thing at a time. Moment by moment, hour by hour, day by day, it was an exhausting process at times as I had lived for so long living in fear and self-sabotage, never believing that I truly deserved anything that resembled true happiness. And for me, what was happiness, was it something I could achieve or was it a feeling, I learned it all starts with acceptance of self in the present, no matter what way we are feeling.

I basically re-taught myself how to think, feel and act in becoming the person I am today. It took daily self-care, practise and a lot of soul searching. I had many bad days when I nearly reverted back to my old habits, of which many were learned behaviours, to understanding that I have the power inside of me to change my perception of my own reality.

I learned new techniques, mindfulness, meditation, self-reflection and journaling, firstly by myself and then I found mentors that I connected with that allowed me to speak my truth and be myself in all areas of my life. I was growing into the person I wanted to be and am still growing. Self-care does not stop when you feel okay, it is a daily commitment to yourself to look after your mental, emotional, physical and spiritual well-being.

After many years of learning new ways to help me in my daily life, I decided to share my teachings with other people so that I could help them to help themselves. There is no one in the world that can ‘fix’ you, you have to make that decision within yourself and find the right people to guide and support you on your journey of healing.

We only have today and as long as we remember that, we can focus our intention on making it the best day possible.