Roginea Dixon

The Chronicles of My Thoughts and Emotions, What the Hell is going on?

By Roginea Dixon, Model & Creative

I’ve never experienced racism before. But while growing up I’ve seen it on television, read about it in books, learned about it in history classes, and even on social media. I’m from a small island in Jamaica, where we face our on social issues. We don’t suffer from racism, however, we suffer from classism and it is fought against each and every day. And, I believe we’re doing well so far in fighting against it.

Since the spread of the covid-19 pandemic, I thought to myself that this is a time where everyone around the world would come together in keeping ourselves safe from this disease. This was a great time in which people should think about their pass actions and how they could better themselves. Friends and families around the world will used this time to check on their loved ones and try to connect with each other. Our free time should be used to give thanks for all the blessings we’ve been given as time went by, and a time in which we could hone or crafts and get our creative juices flowing. I was looking forward to new and interesting DIY videos, etc.

The first month under quarantine was great. I was journaling everyday as advised by a therapist in order to heal Long term Depression which they deduced I was suffering from. We were also still in the process of figuring out if I suffered from bipolar personality disorder (BPD), borderline personality disorder or both since I showed signs and symptoms of each. I drowned myself in learning ways in which I could stay in the Light during the quarantine. I started watching dance videos and doing workouts to keep my body fit. I was adamant that when “outside” opened up, my body would be in perfect shape. I was practicing posing, runway walking and was working on each and every one of my talents daily as most creatives were doing, while practicing social distancing.

One day, I was browsing Snapchat; I kept seeing videos and news articles of people all around the world dying from the covid-19 virus.  I was shocked that the majority of these articles and videos was saying that majority of deaths were from the black community. Also, the video that went viral, where the French doctors said that there should be testing for COVID 19 vaccines and cures in Africa, didn’t help where my train of thoughts went. I started getting scared. The first thing that came to mind was, “dear Lord, dem ago kill off black people” translated to, “they are going to kill black people”.  I then deleted the app, because I was getting really sad and paranoia was starting to kick in. I took social distancing so seriously, I barely spoke to anyone apart from my best-friend and a few people on social media. I even took a break from social media itself until recently, when I downloaded Instagram back onto my phone and regretted it immediately. All I kept seeing were videos of black people dying. The final straw was seeing the video of George Floyd being murdered by those police. I remember breaking down in tears in the bathroom. I was covered in goose-bumps and all kept asking, what did black people do to deserve this? Why do they hate us so much?”

I’ve always tried to avoid watching videos of black people being murdered. I don’t understand what possessed me to watch the video. My emotions are all over the place. I’ve never felt so scared before for being bIack until now. I feel so sad. I feel so angry to the point of my blood boiling. I’m wondering if the few white people I know are faking not being racist. I watch them more so than ever. I want to scream out the outrage that I feel from all of this. I wish I had the power to stop all this hate; the power to end racism and to put a stop against police brutality.  I wish I could march in protest with the black community in America.

As one of our national heroes and once strong, black leader, The Honorable Marcus Mosiah Garvey said, “Black people must stand united at home and abroad”.  Let us take a stance against racism. Let us fight and protest against racism. #stopracism #stoppolicebrutality #blacklivesmatter