Josh

My name is Josh and I am 40 years old.  I live in Toronto, Ontario.  I was born in Listowell, which is in Northern Ontario.  I am currently living in a shelter.  I use mostly Tina, which is a nickname for crystal meth.  I like listening to music, dancing, coloring books and exercising at the gym.  I have schizophrenia, PTSD, ADHD and psychosis.  I experience addiction to crystal meth.  I have also had an addiction to crack cocaine and fentanyl. 

When I was a kid, I lived with my mom and my sister.  It was ok but I did not like to follow the rules at home.  On my 16th birthday, I ran away from home.  I ran away because my stepdad was hard on me.  For example, one time I broke into the house to get my clothes because I had been locked out and my stepfather beat me.  After I left home, I started shoplifting to survive.  I went to jail that year and when I got out of jail, I entered a shelter.

I was 17 or 18 when I started using substances.  My first substance was crack cocaine which I became addicted to.  I used to sell it.  My friend offered me a toke and I got a strong ringer.  It felt good.  I continued using it because I felt sad and lonely.  When I was in jail, my mother would visit me.  However, when I was in the shelter, I had lost contact with her which was emotionally difficult. 

Over the years, I have been to jail many times for theft and robberies as I was trying to support my addiction.  My experiences in jail were good for what it was.  I got along with the other guys.  I am not proud of what I did.  When I did theft, it was survival.  But I feel remorseful for robbing people because I feel it damaged their lives. 

I started using meth when I was 26 after I had moved to Stratford.  I had lost contact with my friends who were using and selling cocaine and meth was cheaper.  I initially smoked meth but started injecting because the high would last longer.  I was using meth to help me cope with depression, to make me more social, to express myself more.  I liked the way it made me feel.  After starting to use meth, I went back to jail 8 times.   

I am currently trying to get off meth.  In the past year, I have been to rehab twice.  I had to wait 3 months the first time to get into rehab.  I was in rehab for 2 months before I got kicked out for using.  Then I went back to rehab shortly before Christmas but was kicked out again after a week for using.  The abstinence requirements at rehab centers are hard to follow because it’s difficult not to use.  When I don’t use meth, I become stressed out, impatient, the cravings come back, my circle of friends disappear and my self esteem goes away.  My energy becomes low and I feel nauseous.

I have friends who use.  When I am with them, I feel like I am with family.  We can relate with each other and understand each other’s problems, like homelessness.  They’ve done the same things I have done.  There is less judgment.  I feel judged and stigmatized by society.  People look down on me, they judge me on my appearance and how I act.  It makes me feel shitty.  This makes me want to use more.

My friends who use drugs encourage me to do positive things, like going to the gym, taking a shower and doing good deeds for others.  For example, my friends will give me a couple of dollars to buy a coffee and later, I pay it forward by buying someone else a coffee in the same situation as I am.  My friends keep my head up, they tell me I’m worthy, they tell me that I have a good vibe. 

As a community, we share food, clothes and other basic needs.  We help each other survive.  When I am going through psychosis, my friends help me by talking with me, giving me hugs and bringing me back to reality.  When I get a hug from a friend, it makes me feel that I am cared for. 

I started using safe consumption site (SCS) services last year after a friend brought me there.  An SCS is a place where people who use drugs can go to use safely, get food, clothing, community resources (like services that help me get an ID) and talk to someone about life problems.  SCS helps me.  I get clean needles and clean pipes which prevents me from getting hepatitis – I had hepatitis C before.  The staff are kind me and don’t judge me.  I feel like they are there to listen.  They give me good advice.  I look up to them.  It feels like they care.

They have also saved my life.  Two or three weeks ago, I took a puff of fentanyl, I dropped and when I woke up staff were surrounding me.  I had overdosed and two or three of the staff had given me naloxone. 

In my community, many people overdose from fentanyl use or having their drugs contain fentanyl without them knowing.  I have lost too many friends to count to fentanyl including my best friend.  My best friend was a good guy.  He took me under his wing.  He used to give me food and clothes.  One time, he took me to his mom’s house to give me shelter and the first time, she kicked me out.  However, he kept bringing me to the house and eventually she learned to accept me and would cook for me, talk to me kindly.  She judged me at first but I was able to change her mind.  When she stopped judging me, she made me feel good inside and I felt that I had earned her respect.  When my friend died, it made me sad.  I had been in jail at the time he overdosed and I feel if I had been with him, I could have helped him.  I wish could’ve gone to his funeral. 

I believe that instead of sending people who experience addiction to jail, they should be sent to rehab or detox.  As well, that they should be given housing.  Jailtime doesn’t help people who use drugs because it causes them to feel negative, to feel like there’s no hope and makes them feel worse about themselves.  When they leave jail and have nowhere to go and struggle, they use drugs again to cope and end up back in jail.  It’s repeated cycle that never ends.

I understand that many SCSs in Toronto are being shutdown because they considered too close to schools and daycares.  However, I don’t think SCSs are bad.  SCSs help keep used needles off the street as they provide a safe place to dispose needles.  As well, they provide a safe space for PWUD to use off the street.  If we didn’t have spaces like this, we would be using outside which is less safe.  If SCSs are closed down, more people will die of overdoses.  I do not think the government is making a smart choice by shutting them down.

SCS helps with my mental health.  At this location at the Parkdale Queen West Community Health Centre, the staff members refer me to doctors and nurses who provide me with the medications I need to manage my mental health.  Als,o talking to staff and having a listening ear helps me.

I am very spiritual.  I feel that God came in my life 6 or 7 years ago.  When I was younger, I did not believe in anything.  I encountered God while in Brandford.  I had a broken heart and He made it go away.  I feel God’s presence in the trees, the air, the fire and water.  I pray everyday.  I pray for everybody in the world, for myself, for my friends who are struggling with addiction, I pray for their families, I pray for my family, animals.  My favourite animal is the dog.  When I am with them, I feel healed.  One time I was standing outside of Tim Horton’s and I saw a puppy and it made me cry.  I don’t why, but it felt healing to cry.  I think God wanted me to cry in that moment.  Sometimes, I think God wants me to cry in front of someone.  One time, I was crying and one of my friends from my community came to me and gave me a hug.  It made me feel better.

I chose to get photographed in front of the Tim Horton’s because I go there to drink a coffee, sit and think, find peace and watch the dogs because many people go there with their dogs.  I like pitbulls, French bulldogs, and rotweilers.  I eventually want to get a dog when I get my own place.  

The advice I want to give to the world is to help one another, be understanding, to not fight, get along with each other, being positive instead of negative.  When I go about my day, I try do something better than the day before.

I have hope.  The SCS, the community and all the new people I have met who have come into my life give me hope.  I have hope that I will not experience addiction one day.  I will get there if I keep trying.