Colby

I grew up in what I thought was a normal life, in a suburban home, my parents were divorced but this was not uncommon . I collected books feverishly, i also had friends despite my tendency to sneak away from parties and do drugs and read at home instead of actually spending time with people. During this time i was molested by my minister, as were many of my friends (often the ones with gullibility and mental issues as a factor) thus began a drug addiction issue which i still struggle with today, had I known at the time that I had what they call Aspergers (and four other probable disorders, but who knows) I would have known these were merely unhealthy coping mechanisms, and my lack of insight and gullibility weren’t character traits I’d developed so much as inherited. My ability to absorb any knowledge i could lie my hands on and focus for hours on end struck me as commonalities. I have now been married for over ten years and have three children, I struggle with being a father because of my issues with patience and the need for a pattern which is predictable, my marriage also suffers, I teeter always on the edge of losing what i love because of an attitude and mental acuity which causes me pleasure and pain, as I get joy from knowledge, pain comes from the fact that it is worth nothing, compared to the oblivion others seem to possess and enjoy with their families. I am not hopeless nor am i hopeful, i have learned that it is normal for me to be in anguish at times and what truly hurts and causes it to matter is the reaction of society to me. For I look normal, i should ” buck up” , learn to “fit in”.

My Brother and Mother doubt my diagnosis, accuse me of wishing to be lazy to collect disability, this is something which hurts to no end, how can someone think this of me who knows me? I’ll end on this note, never give up on getting a diagnosis as an older person, I have suffered a lot from knowing, and i probably will continue to, but the absence of knowing is as harmful to an aspy as the ownership of said knowledge . For hobbies I write, i have a wordpress blog which i currently don’t use often , rather i journal in the event of my death which i fear because of several autoimmune disorders which i’ll not go into here, i also collect books and study ancient history, I have no formal education and i couldn’t finish high school, my grammar too, is terrible, but I am proud of what I do know, what I will learn and the gift of knowledge and of family which i do have and can appreciate regardless of me being able to show it properly or not. Thank you for listening to me, I seek only to edify others of my experience and hear of theirs and possibly have a world where our strengths are acknowledged and respected, rather than questioned, categorized and assimilated into some judgemental general social database .