Chloe Wolchock

“My name is Chloe Wolchock. I’m 26 years old, a curve model and a makeup artist.  I have been in recovery from an eating disorder for a year.

It’s no secret that eating disorders consume the lives of many models but the eating disorder I have isn’t what you normally see in the media. My eating disorder has binge eating disorder and I’ve struggled with it since I was a child.

Binge eating disorder is when someone will eat large quantities of food in a short amount of time, often to the point of guilt and discomfort. It’s often done in private and there’s a loss of control. Everyone who’s struggled with this disorder knows that it varies for everyone and not everyone’s binges look the same, which can make it difficult to get a diagnosis or even come to the realization that it is an eating disorder.

I was using my eating disorder as a way to cope with other problems in my life. I wasn’t in control of what was going on around me and my body showed that. I was embarrassed, depressed and felt very alone. My entire life revolved around food and I didn’t know how to work through my emotions and struggles properly. I felt like there was no way out. I gained a lot of weight and I didn’t know who I was anymore. I used makeup as a way to hide myself. I felt like no one could hurt me if I looked pretty, but hiding myself wasn’t going to help me. I held myself back from experiences and living my life because I was afraid. Afraid of people perceiving me. Afraid of them judging me. Afraid of them calling me fat. You’ll never understand what it’s like to be a fat person in society unless you’ve actually experienced it. Hiding myself behind makeup and oversized clothing was all I knew for a long time.

Since having struggled with this disorder since I was a child, it’s been a long road to recovery. From loss of control to denial, it took me a long time to decide to get help. Funny enough, if it wasn’t for the global pandemic we’ve been living in for the past almost 2 years, I don’t think I would’ve considered recovery, therefore continuing with the familiar path I’d been walking my entire life. It gave me the time to reflect, seek professional help, and learn to love myself.

Having spent months inside because of COVID-19, I decided to work on myself. I started long distance walking which has turned into running, which is amazing for me to clear my head. It’s hard being in a lockdown, but being able to get outside and move my body has helped me more than I ever imagined. It became an outlet for me to push through my mental health struggles and frustration in my life. Since I’ve had to to relearn how to love my body and build up my confidence, I found walking and running helped me learn to see my body as more than my appearance.. It’s a powerhouse. I’m stronger than I’ve ever been. I’m faster than I’ve ever been. I see the accomplishments I’ve achieved and know that I did that on my own.

Don’t get me wrong, I still struggle. Recovery isn’t a linear and I’ve learned to take it day by day. You can’t recover if you aren’t honest with yourself and I wasn’t honest with myself for a very long time. I can’t expect myself to heal overnight and I know this will be a long journey, but I’m ready to be free. I’m ready to live a life without fear. I’m ready to heal.

Being a curve model, you’re expected to radiate self-love and body positivity, but it’s difficult when you’ve felt like a prisoner in your own body because of your eating disorder. It’s been a journey from my weight gain to my weight loss to get to a point where I’m happy and comfortable in my body, especially since I’m not thin. Some days I feel like I have a million miles to go but other days I feel amazing in my body! I want to be the role model I desperately needed when I was younger! It’s important for me to be honest and open about my struggles because I know that there’s someone out there in the same boat as me. Learning to embrace my body at all sizes and celebrating it could help someone else more than I could ever know, and that’s why I do what I do.

I can’t expect myself to love myself fully when I’ve spent so many years tearing myself down, but I’m trying my best. I don’t expect myself to ever be thin, nor do I want to be! I’ve always been beautiful, even when I don’t feel it. I just want to be healthy, happy and living my life to the fullest. We are our biggest critics and we need to remind ourselves that beauty is more than our appearance.

You are more than your eating disorder. You are not alone. You are beautiful and deserve to be happy.”