Camila Fuentes

I always was a VERY sensitive person, since my childhood. It affected me in every area of my life. If watching cartoons, something sad happened, I cried for months, literally. And it was easy to manipulate me, emocionally speaking. At 16, I started a relationship with a guy 8 years older than me, and I started to dress like he wanted, talk like he wanted, listen to the music he wanted, etc. We broke up, because one day my parents knew about this and made me understand that it wasn’t the best idea to be with someone that old. And the pain… A horrible pain took control of my entire body. That was the first time I hurted myself, with broken glass. Being at college, my parents felt that I would, probably, have depression. They took me to a psychiatrist, and yes, I had it. I spend about 4 years taking pills that did nothing to me, other than make me sleep for days if I could. Last year, another psychiatrist told me that I hadn’t depression. I had bipolar disorder II. I started to take different pills, which made me gain weight, and suddenly, I couldn’t look at myself because I hated me. Until then, I wasn’t able to get up in the morning, nothing had sense to me, I cried for hours in my bed at night, I prayed every night, asking God to kill me, I didn’t want to hang out with my friends, I disappeared from my social environment for months. And when I was told that I was bipolar, it got worst. I literally though that in my forehead, there was a sign that said “Im bipolar. Im a monster”. I didn’t felt so much better with the new pills. And I started to feel a horrible anxiety, something that I never felt before. It was terrible, I wasn’t able to walk through the streets without feeling that something tragic would happen to me. I couldn’t stay calm, I hadn’t much control over my body, and 0 control over my mind. Another psychiatrist gave me 5 different pills to take everyday, which made me feel worst than ever. I started to work, and I cried every night and every morning, because it was horrible to know that I was alive. My anxiety got bigger, I felt scared, I wanted to quit desperately, days after I started my new job. I wanted to have an accident, so I could stay at home. But, thanks God, someday I visited another (yes, another) psychiatrist, and he saw me and said “You are taking the wrong pills. You are almost on overdosis. No more, you are going to drop all of this, and take this new pills”. I had to do the Rorscharch test, and Im borderline. The new pills are the right medication. Im incredibly happy, more than ever before. Not because Im high or something, hahaha. Its because, Im finally being me, with the right help. God has been so good to me. Over the years, a thousands times I wanted to comitt suicide. Very hard. But now, life is extremely beautiful. I know that there’s a lot of better stories than mine. But Im here to say, that even when we feel that we will never know what happiness is like, even when we feel that we don’t have strength anymore, lets be brave, and keep looking for what we deserve. Its not easy, at all. Its super hard. But I promise, that you’ll find the peace and happiness you need. Talk to someone about your feelings. Read information about your symptoms. Ask professional help. Dont ever think that your feelings are dumb or doesn’t have importance. You have to know that none of the monsters chasing you are real. You deserve the best. Like I said, its not easy. But I swear, its not impossible. I love you, whoever is reading this. I care about you, and I will be praying for you. If you need a friend, talk to me! My IG is @fuentesalvial