Anna and Anysha

Anna’s Story

My son Mathew was born in 1980. He was born with a 2-year older brother and then 4 years later a younger sister came along. Mathew was a very much loved son with a quick smile who loved to laugh and make others laugh from a very young age. He was our very charming, hilarious, charismatic and endearing family clown.

In his early school years Mat tried hard. He was in French immersion for 7 years and learned to speak read and write fluent French very well. When we switched him to an English school after moving, he had a hard time adjusting to his subjects in English. School was somewhat difficult for him after that. Divorce didn’t help him either as he always loved both his parents. It’s always harder on the children. And I got to see that in his school work. But he continued to excel in his new core French class. Mathew did an exchange trip to Quebec where he met lifelong friends, especially one young lady who also visited Ontario so they could spend some time together. When we visited Quebec as a family, we always encouraged Mathew to do the talking for us. And we were so proud to see him using his communication skills.

As he got older, I remember an incident that touched me deeply.

I had a $50 bill on the night table that I hadn’t put away yet. And suddenly it went missing. When confronting the three children about the missing $50, they all said “not me”. So I just said “God knows who took it and one day you will have to answer for it.” 2 minutes later, Mathew (he might have been about 8 or 9 at the time) walked out with it in his hand and gave it to me. I said thank you and never brought it up again. I realized that God was real in his life and I was and am still so thankful for that.

Mathew loved to cook and had a couple of jobs where he worked as a cook in a restaurant. He loved to share his talents by making meals for his friends or feeding someone that was hungry.

Mathew eventually followed in his dad’s footsteps and learned to lay bricks, blocks and rocks. His dad said he had limestone in his blood. Mathew realized that this was his calling and he became a very good mason.

From a very young age of about 13 Mathew liked to sneak a drink with his friends. Then marijuana joined the list. Before we knew it, the harder drugs were in the picture. I believe it was cocaine. We felt that getting Mat out of town and away from his buddies might be helpful in him leaving the drug use behind. Mathew was attending Narcotics Anonymous and had a very kind sponsor from a different area. Mat moved in with him. Together they attended a meeting almost every night somewhere in Southern Ontario. Over a period of a few years, ups and downs, jail time, starting all over again many times, Mathew finally celebrated complete sobriety from alcohol, drugs, sugar, caffeine and nicotine. He was adamant that he wasn’t going to be owned by anything ever again. We were so impressed and proud of him. He had attended the Landmark program in Toronto and booked and paid for it himself and he invited me to attend his graduation. I discovered my son had matured into the man that God had intended him to be. I was amazed at all the integrity, honesty and love that was a huge part of who Mathew was. I realized that drugs and alcohol had stunted his growth and being free from them had given him the ability to learn and grow. I have never been so amazed and proud of all that my son had overcome and I realized all the inner strength it took to do that. He is the strongest person I have ever known.

Mathew moved to the Oshawa area where he had lots of work but had told a friend that he was looking to move closer to his mom – my heart melted. I always supported him wherever he moved because I knew he wanted to stay away from our hometown and the people he needed to steer clear of. But he had finally reached the point that he was comfortable to be around anyone at any place.

Mathew decided he wanted to be baptized and I still regret to this day, and always will, that I went to work and didn’t attend that very special Sunday. He attended regularly where he talked openly to the people of his church about his past struggles and told them that it was God’s grace that picked him up and saved his life. He refused to be struck down by stigma and stood tall, proud and honest when telling his story.

People who use drugs have a horrible time with stigma. It stops most from seeking help. Stigma, embarrassment and shame about their addiction stops them from being able to live a healthy happy life – without some help, there is next to no chance of any kind of recovery. I believe his courage came from God.

Mathew brought people from NA to the church and to the gym where he happily worked out regularly. The gym even offered him a position as a trainer. But Mathew’s passion was masonry first. Mat hired people that were out of a job and homeless, gave them a position as a labourer, packed them a lunch and sometimes gave their heads a place to rest at night. He was kind to people that were the most vulnerable. This told me so many wonderful things about my son. He immensely enjoyed approximately 3 years of his life of sobriety. Mathew’s life revolved around work, his church, the gym and NA.

This was all suddenly marred by an accident when a cement mixer lid fell on Mathew’s neck when he was cleaning it out, breaking it. He was hospitalized and was told to wear a neck brace which he did. But he refused the opioid medications offered to him. He was adamant that he wouldn’t take any pain meds that could set him back in his recovery. He suffered through a lot of pain for a very long time because of that. I saw how he was a pillar of strength. Mathew eventually returned to work and learned to push through the pain without taking any pain medication.

On Sept 3, 2016 my husband and I had that nightmare visit from the police telling us that my husband’s youngest son, (along with his younger cousin) both passed away in a car accident. So that evening we phoned Mathew to tell him the news. Mat and his step brother had spent their teen years growing up together and this news hit Mathew terribly hard and he didn’t have any family nearby for support. We were all 3 hours away.

He returned to use that night. From that point on it was a downhill spiral. Mathew tried so hard to get help for his grief and return to use. There was no help to be had. Things just got worse and worse. He became homeless when his girlfriend told him to leave. Shortly after that she miscarried and Mathew was completely devastated. They had both been so excited about this baby and had even chosen a name for their little boy. He was to be called Mason.

I last saw my son in April when he came home to put his stepbrothers ashes into the columbarium. He hugged and kissed me many times and he took selfies of us at the train station as he was ready to return to Oshawa. It’s almost like he knew it may be the last time. Mathew didn’t hide the fact that he was using from me. But it pained him greatly because one of the things he had told many times was that he never wanted to hurt me. And he was always happy when he could tell me that he had done something good.

I look back on that last day that we were together and realize I have photos of the very last moment that I ever saw my son alive. A special loving gift from God. I could tell that Mathew was struggling in his work life not being paid by contractors, his love life had fallen apart and he had no place to live other than his van. His posts on Facebook also were a way for me to tell what was going on. I noticed quite a bit of difference in him from when he was abstaining from drugs and alcohol. And I kept on believing that he would overcome his return to use. He had done it before. Sadly that didn’t happen.

On my husbands sons 1 year angelversary, I got a mother’s worst nightmare call about Mathew being in a coma in Lakeridge hospital in Oshawa. He had overdosed on fentanyl and collapsed at a pub in Ajax. They did CPR on him but my son aspirated his entire meal into his lungs and was without oxygen for too long.

My husband and I gathered my older son and daughter and our two grandkids and raced for Oshawa. I stayed at the hospital along with his dad for 6 days. I never left my son’s side and hung on to hope and prayed. I visited the chapel and prayed there as well, begging God to let my son live. And all while understanding that Gods will might not be mine.

The doctor told us that Mathew’s brain was slowly dying and that soon he would be gone. There is absolutely no way to explain how this felt. I talked to Mathew and told him it was ok to go and that I loved him with all my heart. And that we would be together again some day. And my heart felt shattered.

Mathew had taken the time to sign up as an organ donor online so of course we would honour his wishes. Trillium had us in a meeting asking all sorts of questions. Mathew was a 36-year old man at this point and he didn’t go into great detail about everything concerning his health with us. So we answered to the best of our ability.

Trillium had everything they needed in order to harvest Mathew’s organs while his heart was still beating. Again that felt indescribable. I was horrified at knowing I would never see my son alive again. However, him deciding to be an organ donor was such a wonderful final gift to leave to humankind and I had to let him go.

We had been standing in a circle, all holding hands, his dad holding Mathew’s right hand, me holding his left hand, while a minister was praying for Mathew when all of a sudden the ventilator started to breathe for Mathew. My beloved, beautiful and kind, loving son had just left us and was on his way to heaven – on Sept 7, 2017.

It just so happened to be Sept 14, 2017, that Mathew had been able to book himself a rehab bed. He had told me about this very special date on July 1st. And he was waiting and waiting and waiting. I understand why when someone is ready for help that they shouldn’t have to wait months and months to get that help. It’s a dangerous game our government plays. Waiting for help isn’t an option or luxury that many have. When they need help and say it, they need help NOW! The powers that be need to listen to that. The beds need to be made available. We can’t continue to let people in need of recovery wait until they die. Mathew wasn’t declared until Sept 8, 2017. One week later and he would have got into rehab.

The hospital needed to do some tests first on Mathew’s brain to make sure he was gone and then he was taken for the honour walk down the hospital hall, flanked by doctors and nurses for being an organ donor.

In the end, a man received Mathew’s liver and was able to live a longer life.

I have never known such pain. Losing my son is an ache like no other death I have ever experienced. And sadly most of my family of origin are all gone. Losing a child is not the same as those deaths.

I was unable to return to my job of 32 years. I was a full time cake decorator and absolutely loved my job. But I wasn’t able to stop crying all the time. It took me almost 5 years to gain some control over all the tears.

Through all of this, my husband and I have been raising two of our grandchildren. They have been a blessing and because of them being young at the time of losing our sons, everyday we have had to get up and get dressed and look after them no matter what. I don’t know that we would have survived it all without our two special children. I know it couldn’t have been easy for either of them to have two grieving parents every single day. But we have managed to hang in as a family and lean on each other. We have made special time for travel with them as well as enjoying canoeing, camping, hiking and picnics together.

Moms Stop The Harm as a fantastic support and I have learned a lot about addiction from this amazing group. They have Holding Hope for those of us that have a living child that struggles with addiction as well as Healing Hearts for those of us that have lost a child to substance related harms.

There are private advocacy groups, groups for siblings, the main group as well as a very informative public Facebook group. There are monthly in-person meetings and for those can’t attend, there is an online meeting for Healing Hearts as well as Holding Hope. These gatherings have been helpful and meeting other moms like myself has been such a wonderful support.

But without God in my life, I know I never would have made it to today. My faith has carried me a long way for a long time and I am forever grateful that my son also had a very strong faith in God. I also had Bereaved families of Ontario for support and found those meetings helpful. I eventually joined a faith based group called Grief Share and realized I had found my spot. This group helped me in many ways.

When Mathew passed away, I had never heard of harm reduction or safe supply or safe consumption sites. When I joined Moms Stop The Harm, my brain was still in a hazy fog so it took me awhile to learn and understand what they were talking about. And I eventually realized how much sense it all made. Ultimatums, anger and hatred are not ways to help a loved one struggling with substance use. Love, understanding, empathy and kindness will go so much further. I’m so very thankful that Mathew and I had a close loving relationship. Mathew once told me that “we were rich because we have each other.” I hug those words to my heart.

I came to believe in the advocacy work of MSTH and I wanted to continue to do what Mathew always did – helping others who were struggling with substance use, homelessness, hunger and unemployment. So I try to educate the best I can. I have spoken to the public and told Mat’s story, advocated for safe consumption sites and attended protest rallies to prevent the closure of safe consumption sites in Toronto and to advocate for those struggling with substance use in Barrie. I have set up an International Overdose Awareness Day event that I attend in my home town in the morning and then attend other city’s events for the afternoon and evenings. It’s a special day where I feel I can honour the battles that my son and so many thousands of others have fought and died from due to the need to mask emotional and or physical pain. I have also participated in commercials to help raise funds for CAMH.

In this day and age substance use is like a game of Russian roulette and very unsafe. If alcohol was suddenly contaminated and people were continuously dying, you can bet that something would be done about the supply immediately to protect those that choose alcohol as their substance of choice. And yet with 50,928 people having died in Canada since 2016 from the opioid crisis and substance related deaths, our government is now wanting to get rid of safe consumption sites. These sites have always provided safe spaces for those using to make sure their drugs are safe and reverse overdoses. These sites make it so people who use drugs aren’t forced to use in public spaces like school grounds and children don’t witness someone overdosing at public parks or downtown streets. It’s the equivalent to a bar for those that drink. It can be a safer space for someone has had too much to drink when a bartender cuts them off or calls a taxi for them so they don’t drive home under the influence.

Who wants to find needles lying around? Who wants to see someone overdosing on the sidewalk? These sites not only save lives but they also protect the wider community. A number of professionals are using these sites – paramedics, firemen, doctors, nurses. Some of these people who have been traumatized helping the rest of us self-medicate because of a lack of good mental health care for PTSD and fear of losing their jobs.

Safe consumption sites are beneficial for everyone.

It has now been 7 1/2 years since I lost my incredible son. I realized that bed rotting was only going to kill me sooner rather than later. And I have two young people that I am still raising with my husband. Last July, I was feeling better, more alive and decided I needed and wanted to go back to work. I got a job as a school bus driver and have found it is perfect for me. I get up and get dressed and get outside every day now. I love to travel and I am doing more of that and enjoy spending time with our two special kids doing all sorts of fun things. I am proud of the people that they are and very thankful to have them.

My son Mathew will have to wait for me. In the meantime I am busy living life to the fullest for both of us.

A Word from Anysha

My name is Anysha Keller-Ivory. I’m the granddaughter of Anna Maria Iredale, and I have lived with her and my grandpa almost my entire life. When my uncle Mathew passed away from overdose-related complications, only about a year after my other uncle had passed in a car accident, life got incredibly difficult for the entire family. It was hard as a 15-year-old girl, watching my grandparents grieve. I love my grandma and grandpa, so seeing them bedridden and broken from their grief as they mourned their two children was difficult. My brother and I became much more introverted and ‘shut in’. It took nearly 5 years for things to start to hurt less for our family, and together, we’ve started to learn new methods and strategies to cope together. I’ve since watched my family pick up its broken pieces and try to make something from them and it has been beautiful and inspiring to see how we’ve grown.

I am also currently attending college in the Addiction and Mental Health Worker program. Similar to many of the other students in my classes, I chose to do this due to my own personal experiences watching my uncle’s struggle and how their substance use impacted my grandparents, my brother and I. We learn all sorts of things. Some of our classes range from Practice Skills, Integrated Approaches to Addiction and Mental Health Work as well as Legislations and Policies to Crisis Management, Prevention, Harm Reduction and Health Promotion Interventions and History of Oppression and Resistance in the Addiction and Mental Health Field. This program likely isn’t the end for me. My goal is to someday become a Mental Health Therapist, which will mean I’ll need to go to university as well. It’s a long path, but one I’m determined to take.

As someone with family members who have both passed from substance use and still use substances, the closure of safe consumption sites, to me, is a very misinformed and harmful. Bill 233 intends to take away safe places where people who use substances obtain safer use supplies and can be helped if they overdose. My family and I love people who use substances. My family and I have lost someone to substances. Bill 223 is going to cause far more harm than good for both the people who use substances and even people complaining about the safe consumption sites. It’s playing with people’s lives.

Addiction is not a choice. For people who struggle with problematic substance use, they need love, compassion and support when and if they feel ready start their recovery journey.