Adri

I used to perceive myself as outgoing, bubbly, active, social and adventurous. A part of me still does – because I am still me.
I loved going out, meeting new people, talking nonsense with strangers. I fed off of the energy of others.
Until one day, I didn’t.

It was about two years ago where I noticed a change. I became incredibly sad and introverted. The thought of going somewhere with strangers caused me social anxiety to the point where I would cancel plans (or just not show up). Spending time around people, exhausted me. I had gone through a break up at the time, so I assumed it was related to my emotional state.
But as I healed from my heartbreak, the feeling got worse.
I never sought out any help, and I never spoke about my feelings of helplessness. My older sister had been diagnosed with depression a few years prior, and I would look at her and think “I am not like that.”.

I started suffering from what I call my Negative Spirals. Negative thoughts would consume me, until I was lying on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night, having panic attacks – panting and crying and sweating.

Other nights I would be numb. I would be so numb, that I craved to feel pain, so I would take a pin and start carving thin lines into my leg. Once I drop of blood formed, I would stop.

Still, I thought, I am not like my sister. I am not depressed.

Until one day, when I was driving to work, and I had the most overwhelming feeling that I should drive off of the road at 120km/h. Just, turn the steering wheel, and it will be over. The only thing that kept me on the road, the tiny 1% of my brain that was rational in that moment, was a voice that went “your dog will not know what happened to you.”

You see, two years ago I rescued a dog, Xena, from a local no-kill shelter. She had been surrendered by her owners because “she grow too old”. She is my life, my everything, and on that day, she rescued me.

Following that incident, I made an appointment with a psychologist and a doctor. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. I was prescribed medication. I finally confronted my demons, and admitted that I was depressed. I finally told my parents, my sisters, my friends.

Of course I have my happy days, like the photo I have attached. We rarely get snow in my country, and I took a “mental health day” off work to go share the snow with Xena for her very first snow day.

I am still fighting everyday. I am fighting so hard. People still exhaust me, but I am able to “switch on” the bubbly side of me so that strangers cannot see what lurks beneath. I exercise regularly, eat healthily, meditate daily, and confide in friends. I got a tattoo of an endemic flower species on my arm to remind me that without rain, we can’t have flowers. Without the bad days, we can’t grow and bloom.
I don’t know if it is getting easier. But I have built up an amazing support system, who understands that if I retreat into myself, they must pull me out of the hole I created for myself.

I know it will get better, and I cannot wait for that day.