Melanie Goldman

Some part of me has always felt strange, but I’ve never been able to pinpoint what it was. When you’re trying to be a supportive peer in third grade and your report card reads, “Melanie was talking to Ch**** in the corner again, giving him advice instead of paying attention,” it’s easy to start seeing yourself as weird rather than a lovely human deserving of respect and admiration.

Years later, though, I see now that this is completely wrong.  My entire life had been a confusing maze before I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD). The only way I could get out of my own head and into the world was to drink myself to a blackout mess, pretending to be someone I wasn’t so I could fit in and live a lie that would lead me to the point of healing where I am today. I never fit in but yet I always seemed like everything was cool and collective on the outside. The list goes on and on: overweight, overstimulated, people-pleasing, perpetually distracted from reality, spending money impulsively, binge-eating, driving dangerously (to the point of getting a DUI), and eventually ending up in Co-dependents Anonymous. At what point did this girl finally feel like she was enough? Do we ever feel like we are enough with BPD?

Nine years ago, when I was emotionally numb, suicidal, and overwhelmed by a multitude of emotions—after spending another month in bed trying to stop yet another relationship from leaving my life—my sister and a few other important people who hadn’t ‘abandoned’ me had stressed the need of me getting help before it was too late. In order to get an official diagnosis, I went to Sunnybrook Hospital. I will never forget the psychiatrist who handed me a huge booklet with a laundry list of suggestions. I caught hereye as she uttered the words, “borderline personality disorder.” The word baffled me. A word that I had never heard of before was defined for me. But I’m sorry to tell you that that month, google was not on my side, therapist waitlists were not helpful, and finding help was a real challenge. In an attempt to keep from getting disheartened, I decided not to give up. I had no other choice and I finally had an answer to why things were off my whole life. After much searching, I discovered the solution to the problem that had plagued me for so long; from that point on, I was determined in my refusal to give up in the hopes that someone or something would provide assistance. I swore to devote the rest of my life to helping those who were going through the same thing as me because I never wanted anyone to feel the way I did.

I began advocating for myself by contacting every available centre, therapist, and DBT group, working my way down the list in the pamphlet. Ultimately, I graduated from three distinct organizations and worked with three clinicians. It would be inaccurate to say that I found the process to be effortless or that I enjoyed them. I have addressed this subject on a variety of podcasts, including BPDbravery. Furthermore, I have been trained as a support group facilitator for two non-profit organizations, including the Borderline Personality Disorder Society of British Columbia, over the past decade. I am also a cast member of the YouTube TV series ‘TheBPDbunch’, a talk show that showcases a panel of 17 individuals who are in functional recovery from borderline personality disorder.I am currently a practicum student in the field of counselling psychology and am eligible to practice under clinical supervision. I have been the subject of numerous publications from organizations such as Unison and Patient Voice. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and dialectical behavioural therapy (DBT) have been the subjects of my extensive training. I am presently in the process of obtaining Linehan certification as a DBT clinician. As a clinician, it is imperative that I receive training in self-compassion, somatic training, and other areas. During May, which is the month of BPD awareness, I  participate in and deliver many speeches and take part in many events.

Because of the public’s misguided perception of borderline personality disorder (BPD) inside the mental health system, I have lofty aspirations for the BPD community as a whole, including the launch of my own BPD centre. My grandma Rae had bipolar disease and borderline personality disorder;therefore, I hope to help others find their “Rae of light” someday. Leaving this cultural legacy to future generations. I have given my dog the name “Mister Rae” to serve as a constant reminder to everyone that no matter how dark things seem toappear, there is always a way out. I am not trying to sugarcoat anything; it has been difficult and filled with details that I intend to disclose one day in a memoir; yet, the reality is that I am speaking up right now because I came dangerously close to dying in silence. It was a lengthy, tough, and terrible journey that ultimately led to my diagnosis. There was a lot of abandonment and rejection in it.  Somatic therapies, cognitive behavioural therapy, schema therapy, mindfulness-based therapy, dialectical behavioural therapy, and others were among the many therapies I underwent.  Such treatments have been and will continue to be a part of my life. If you’ve never had to get out of bed and fight for your life like it’s your life on a regular basis, you’ll never know what it’s like to put that semicolon into fighter. Yet I swore to myself and my people that if I were to survive this battle, I would stand up for everyone involved, not just myself. You must realize that we work together rather than working alone as a human race. I think there are numerous facets to my unique journey, and the things I’ve had to endure and swallow have given me the tools to make music that is more lovely than ever before now. Everything that has ever made me feel inadequate is, in my view, actually working for me, and the trials and tribulations that have brought me to my knees have only made me stronger and more equipped to help others find the road less travelled by. I am the person I need to be today because of my deep gratitude for life and my authentic bravery, which enable me navigate the path that is ahead of me. God, my creativity, my community, my mission, and remembering to find my Rae of light help me cope with a world that has been tormenting me for a long time. I can’t wait to see what is in store and show the world what I have for them, because one day in my world is exciting now, and I look forward to waking up.