Kate Cheung

“One of my biggest dreams is to be able to sit at a café and enjoy my muffin and coffee.”

It’s not always the most fun when your doctor tells you straight in your face, “It is what it is [regarding my parent’s attitude towards me]. There ain’t much you can do about it.” Neither was it encouraging when she gave the not most accurate advice when it came to recovering from a chaotic eating disorder mindset. 

I was diagnosed with anorexia at 13 years old, as my body very visibly went from “the average lean tween physique” to, very frankly, not more than skin and bones in the span of a summer holiday. That marked the very beginning of my mental health battle. Every following year was then noted by rather dramatic events, and an increasing knowledge of fancy vocabulary including the niche forms of “abuse” and “neglect”, “parental divorce”, and eventually, a slightly bigger mouthful, “severe dissociation” and “complex trauma/CPTSD”. 

Now, briefly back to the inaccurate advice my psychiatrist provided during my anorexia diagnosis. I lost count of how many months I spent breaking down over the false statement, “your eating disorder mindset will go away when you reach a healthy physical weight.” Well, I learned that wasn’t the case the hard way. Undoubtedly, hopes of living to see the day to which I can truly enjoy my ice cream again felt increasingly distant, even impossible at times. But don’t worry, my story doesn’t just end on such a morbid note.

At age 20, in the depths of academic stress where I was pursuing university in a country very foreign to me, I found myself feeling comfortable at the sight of my own body in the mirror. AND, a slight smile on my face. Wow. 

“Now we’re getting somewhere”, as a sigh of relief beamed through some corner of my head.

Just when I thought I could finally catch a breath in life (for once), and go for ice cream, this “complex PTSD thingy” and its long list of friends started barging through. 

Two years later on a random autumn morning, I found myself slouching, practically immobile on my chair, as my droopy eyes struggled to keep up with the darting visuals on my laptop screen. I was incredibly dizzy from mere mindless scrolling; I reached the point where years of mental illnesses lead to cumulative damage on my physical health. As usual, my whole body ached so badly; I would have considered that a “lucky day” if I could distract myself from some part of my severe muscle or mental pain for a hot moment. My muscles were so stiff from chronic tension that I had trouble standing or walking properly. Super simple daily activities like brushing my teeth would take 20 minutes as I had to take multiple pauses from panting. Every physical movement was marked by great exhaustion, and for months my mobility was limited to the radius of a 10 minute walk from my apartment. I caught a common cold for the 5th time that year as I noted my worsening sinus symptoms. I laid down to Google the best over-the counter flu prescription suitable to which I could get at the nearest pharmacy. 

For practical reasons, I would have to cut my story drastically short here. But allow me to present you with the story’s bright twist. Today, I am a 25 year old immigrant who is grateful to call Toronto my new home. I have earned a honours bachelor’s degree with distinction, with 5 years of academic research experience adorned by peer-reviewed publications. I am also a published fashion model who used to be multi-agency represented, and is actively working towards building an international career. Yes, “enjoying my muffin and coffee” is still one of my many goals in life (for real), but too are many others; some include continuous progress in healing from my laundry list of health conditions, building sustainable careers in (broadly) sociocultural research for non-profit causes, and becoming a professional working model for world-renown brands/clientele. 

Trust me, if I, an ordinary girl with humble beginnings, can figure her way out of fully recovering from an eating disorder (and all the other blah blah blah conditions), despite the seemingly end of the world remarks by her doctor, YOU can as well. I promise.