Katherine

I have always felt abnormal – strange, off-kilter, weird. From a young age, I knew intrinsically that I was different. My mouth couldn’t keep up with my brain, I always said the wrong thing and made situations awkward, I had disproportionate reactions to everyday problems and regular meltdowns. As you can imagine, this doesn’t make you popular as a kid; in my case, I became a social pariah. Coupled with the fact that I was fat and secretly gay guaranteed my fate of being alone. Peers suspected I had ADHD, but because I had straight-A’s and there was an incredible amount of stigma around mental health issues, my parents never entertained the notion.I was mercilessly tormented by bullies, had no friends, and parents who didn’t believe mental health even existed.

My very first memories of ever following my brain and instincts were harshly criticized and made me widely rejected, so I unfortunately learned to keep it all inside and put up a front. Years of denying myself only built up deep, painful layers of self loathing and resentment. I remember learning about mental health issues in high school and a lightbulb going off – I finally felt seen. I would bring this up to my parents and they continued to deny me and discredit the research I’d done. Any talks of mental illnesses would end in screaming matches and tears. They showed me they couldn’t be trusted, so I thought I was completely on my own. I struggled heavily with mental illnesses in my late teens and early twenties, and engaged in self destructive behaviours to cope.

Even as I got diagnoses of depression and anxiety and BPD, it brought no peace. I had been suicidal since I was a child, and by 22 was at my breaking point. My entire life was despair interspersed with drugs and parties to numb the pain. The pandemic could honestly have not come at a better time, because it forced me to slow down and really focus on my mental health.

I got a diagnosis from a female psychiatrist that changed my life: I had ADHD. It had been previously misdiagnosed by a male family doctor as BPD, and my new psychiatrist explained that this was a typical occurrence because of sexism with ADHD diagnoses. I started treating for ADHD and it was almost like magic – I instantly felt better, felt more understood, and that life was finally within my control. I changed my mental framework of how I processed the world and learned to be more patient and kind to myself than I’d ever been.I also made friends who truly supported and encouraged me through it all. I took months off work to rehabilitate myself after a stay at the hospital and did intensive therapy full time. If I hadn’t done the hard workof unpacking my trauma and consistently showing up for myself, I would be still struggling today, or worse, I wouldn’t be here.

My word of advice ? Prioritize your mental health, always. Pay no mind to stigma, because there’s nothing wrong with wanting the best for yourself and taking care of your brain. Recovery looks different for everyone, and you should be so proud of yourself for caring about you. Recognizing mental illness and acknowledging you need help is never a weakness; it’s the strongest thing you can do. You are powerful, you are courageous, and you deserve to be your best self.