Gary Fitzgibbon

Gary Fitzgibbon first shared their experience with A Lust For Life, an Irish organization dedicated to reducing the stigma surrounding mental health issues through sharing personal stories. In Ireland, a culture of silence about mental health has led to many not speaking openly about their experiences or seeking help. Like us, they believe sharing stories breaks down the barriers that makes seeking help hard.

We Deserve Better: My Story Through Depression

by Gary Fitzgibbon

Gary Fitzgibbon shares his depression journey, and the problems he experienced with significant gaps in the mental health services in Ireland.

I want to start off by saying that I want to highlight two different things in what you are about to read, firstly – that recovery is possible. And secondly – how the mental health services failed me, and most likely are failing many others in this country. I want to be clear – I’m not trying to turn this in to a blame game, and I’m not trying to turn anyone off getting help if they need it. In fact, it is the complete opposite. There is help available, and I have found some fantastic therapies that have helped me turn my life around.

I first got diagnosed with clinical depression about 5 years ago, when I was 26 years of age. I wasn’t long after moving home from Australia, having been there since I was 18. I had a life that I’m sure was the envy of many while I was in Australia. I certainly did my best to try make people envious of the life I was living, constantly updating my Facebook page to let them know which 5 star hotel I was staying in on my travels through Australia or Asia. I gave everyone at home regular updates of the weather, just in case they weren’t aware that the sun shines pretty much year round in Western Australia! But deep down, and although I don’t think I was fully conscious of it at the time, I was hurting both emotionally and psychologically. I wanted to portray the image that everything was hunky dory and that I was the happiest man in the world, when I was in fact the complete opposite.

Thinking I was homesick, I decided that I had enough of Australia and moved back to Ireland. Knowing what I now know, it would seem that it wasn’t homesickness, it was depression starting to get a bit more severe than what it had been up until then. Not long after I moved back, I was studying in LIT at the time as well as working full-time in a hotel. For a while I seemed to manage both reasonably well, but the alarm bells started to ring after about six months. I was struggling to sleep, barely getting 2-3 hours a night for a number of months. I lay wide awake all night and all I wanted to do all day was sleep. It was severely affecting my mood and energy levels. I finally built up the courage to go to the GP on campus, who did all she could do – prescribed a mild dose of anti-depressants, some sleeping tablets and referred me to the campus counselling service. A few weeks later, not noticing any improvement, I told my counsellor that I was having suicidal ideation. She did what she thought was the right thing to do and sent me to A&E in Limerick to be assessed by a crisis nurse. I was officially in the Metal Health system.

Over the next five years up until October last, under the ‘care’ of our mental health services, I believe my condition worsened considerably. It worsened to a point where I took an overdose and ended up being hospitalised in the Acute unit in Ennis for a second time in under 12 months. I spent almost 9 weeks there altogether. Almost Every appointment I had with our mental health service over that 4 and a half year period revolved around medication. I think I have tried nearly every anti-depressant, anti-anxiety pill, anti-psychotics, mood stabilisers, as well as a range of antihistamines and sleeping tablets that are on the market. I honestly feel that none of those medications had the desired effect. I have no doubt that medication will help some patients, but they didn’t help me.

It’s also important to note that during those 4 and a half years, I wasn’t entirely compliant with the advice given for taking said medications. I was abusing other substances, primarily alcohol, and for a brief period something stronger. Unfortunately, both of them HAD the desired effect – they temporarily numbed the pain I was in. Nothing else that I was trying did that for me, so even if the inevitable hangovers were severe – it was worth it to get that temporary relief. The only time any type of counselling was mentioned to me was when my Psychiatrist recommended Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for me. She told me about this almost 19 months ago and said she would tie me in with someone in the day hospital to do this. I still to this day haven’t heard anything about it.

When I was discharged from hospital in November last, she told me she would get me an appointment with the social worker, because after years of crippling depression, I had severe self-esteem issues. I haven’t heard any more about this either. The point I’m trying to make is that although I am well in to recovery at the moment, without their help of the HSE, is what about all those people who are under their ‘care’ who can’t afford to source CBT or other forms of treatment privately? Had I not been lucky enough to have a great Fiancée and parents who supported me financially during this period then I wouldn’t have been able to afford it either. Those people are being left in extremely vulnerable situations by the HSE, and no one is being held accountable.

When I got out of hospital I started researching CBT. I had never researched it before and had no idea what it entailed. I found a place called MyMind in Limerick and started doing it weekly, while I was waiting to start treatment at Pieta House. CBT was where my recovery began. I started thinking more clearly, and positively. My sleep improved considerably. I had my energy back. I wasn’t drinking – or abusing anything else. I was back exercising regularly, for the first time in 12 years. 5 weeks of CBT had more effect than 5 years of medication for me. I stopped CBT when I started treatment at Pieta House.

On my experience with Pieta, they are quite simply the most amazing organisation I have ever come across. Their treatment is completely non-judgemental, in a controlled, caring and compassionate environment. For the 14 weeks I was receiving treatment from them, I can say with my hand on my heart that I felt better walking out that I did walking in every single time. Pieta House gave me the platform to start building my recovery. They are not miracle workers, it takes a lot of courage and will power but with the support, advice and guidance you receive from them I genuinely believe that recovery is possible for everyone. Despite the advice given by GP’s and others, Pieta House SHOULD be your first port of call if you are feeling suicidal. Not your local A&E department. Our A&E departments are amongst the most stressful of places for people of sound mind to visit. When you are close to losing your mind, I believe that a visit to A&E will only worsen your condition. It is not a reflect ion on the staff, it is a reflection on the practices and policies. They are failing and failing miserably.

When I was coming towards the end of my treatment in Pieta, my counsellor suggested that I try find a psychotherapist to continue counselling with. The aim of the treatment in Pieta is to build resilience to suicidal ideation and it worked brilliantly for me. But it was not going to get to the root of my problems. She told me that psychotherapy would, although it would take time and that I needed to be patient with it. I figured they hadn’t given me any bad advice to date so I took their advice on board and found a psychotherapist here in Shannon and I continue to see him once a week to this day. I am finding it hugely beneficial. Again, in almost five years in the Mental Health system, psychotherapy was never mentioned, or offered to me.

One thing that is particularly alarming for me is that the HSE offer absolutely no treatment for those with addiction issues. I know that substance abuse is a contentious subject. And to a certain extent, I understand and respect both sides of the argument. But the reality is that as a country, we spend millions upon millions every year fighting the so called ‘war on drugs’. Instead of fighting this ‘war’ that is never going to be won, why don’t we look at why people are turning to drugs to numb the pain of other problems that they have. I know not all drug users have mental health issues but there I believe that a majority of them do. We need to recognise this as a society and tackle the issue. If we do it in a constructive way, the amount of people engaging in substance abuse will lower and in turn, our crime rates will be way down, our Garda resources will better used, the amount of taxpayers money spent trying to rehabilitate drug users in prison will lower considerably, the level of anti-social behaviour will be down, and generally speaking, we will have a far safer and more constructive society.

People have very strong views when it comes to drug use/users. But ask yourself if it was your son or daughter, brother or sister, mother or father, who found themselves with addiction issues, would you feel differently? I met a fella in hospital last October who had severe addiction problems. He had lost both of his parents to suicide in the last 4 years. He never touched a drug, apart from alcohol in his life before then. He couldn’t get any sort of addiction treatment off the HSE, he didn’t have any other direct family and couldn’t afford the cost of private rehabilitation. He now lives on the street.

I hope I have made you aware of where the support is available, and where it is not. Seven months ago, if someone had told me that I’d be flying it next April, I wouldn’t have believed them. I wouldn’t have even entertained it. But I am. I have had to make some severe lifestyle changes, changes that I’m not sure I’d have been able to make without the guidance of Pieta House – and I am genuinely feeling the benefit of those changes every single day. I am enjoying life again, my bad days are heavily outnumbered, I have a great sense of accomplishment in a lot of things I have done. I am optimistic about the future, even though I am trying my best to live in the present. I believe we need to follow the UK and other countries and introduce wellness into our school curriculum. All the academic education in the world won’t be worth a thing to our children if they don’t know how to look after themselves psychologically or emotionally.

I have the utmost respect for anyone who is in their own battle, because I know as well as anyone how draining it is to be in a 24 hour-a-day battle with your own mind. I want people who haven’t necessarily had mental health issues to have read this so that they can understand how bad our Mental Health services are. I want the frontline staff (nurses etc) in our Mental Health system to have read it to know that you are doing an amazing job, the problem is not you. I want our politicians to have read this so that they can get a grasp of the issues that are affecting thousands of people around this country. I want the average Joe Bloggs to have read this so that we, as a people, can change our attitude towards those with Mental Health issues and collectively demand and deliver a better, more effective Mental Health system for future generations. I want people who have depression or suicidal ideation to know that even though it probably isn’t clear to them right now that recovery is possible. I want them to know that they are worth so much more then they might think they are at the moment. I want them to know that there is support and help available. And I was the hierarchy of the HSE to know that many of us service users are not happy with the service that they are providing. We deserve better, and it is not unreasonable of us to demand better. There is no time for complacency, lives are being lost. And many of those lives could be saved if people are treated correctly.