read the full story
read the full story
I have vivd memories of wanting the actual clocks to pause. I wanted time to stand still. I did not have the words then to explain what was going on inside of my mind and body, but if I could get the days to slow down, I thought maybe I could figure out why I felt so much pain. Life with cPTSD was hard.
I was 32 years old, and at the peak of my career. I was the vice-president of a real estate brokerage and in addition to working hard towards success, I had been in therapy for 13 years. I was a product of deep religious roots, closeted gay, and a survivor of extensive abuse. When I was 13 years old, I was placed in foster homes while my dad was investigated for my abuse. It had gone on for years. This was a breaking point for my 13 year old self, as there was sexual abuse going on outside of the home as well.
I began therapy at 18 within my religious culture. The christian therapy taught me how to ignore the actual trauma. Like many, I was focused on having God rearrange my thoughts, feelings, my experiences of being. This practice did not include addressing trauma, only addressing my sexuality with the assumption that I was gay because I had been abused. Enter conversion therapy.
My body and mind worked against one another for 13 years before the final split. Both were exhausted. Both gave up. For ten months I kept going back to my christian counselor without meds, a diagnosis or tools to address cPTSD.
I discovered and landed in an outpatient center that fall. It changed everything. It was my first safe space to fully be. I entered that program desperate for survival so when they encouraged us to “trust the process” I had no objections. That week saved my life. I had my first taste of trauma therapy.
I spent the next years doing multiple EMDR intensives, and learning about my mind and body. The greatest break came when I came out as gay in 2016. To finally be known, and live in alignment with my true self offered great peace.
I am now 42 years old. I still go to therapy. I probably always will. My life has changed drastically because the things I needed before are now just things, and I know what I need above all is an honest and healthy relationship with myself.
Now I am a certified life coach with an emphasis on psychology and wellness. I am overjoyed that I now walk with others finding the goodness buried underneath their pain.